Leagues away...#2

.....what really scares him is that as distant as she's made herself, he still can't control how he feels about her, he's almost certain, she's found another and is not letting this work, but even if she's with another, she's still what he wants.

He still writes mental letters to her, remembers songs he sang to her, words and moments shared, but now....it doesnt matter much. She's loving another each sleepless night he has, he feels it deep because he's had himself deeply connected to her.

Yet she's silent about it all, he's not stupid but he forces himself to be naive and gullible, because he wants to believe. He still wishes to hold her again even if it's just once more, he wants to feel her close to him once again, he needs to smell her skin and her aura around him, to look her in the face and say his goodbyes to lose a love that he's sure is his and will always have his heart, while silently hoping it's still a nightmare he'll wake up from.

Fin!

Leagues away....

With a connection deep seated in the heart, with a love so real, with a heart true and open, he hopes against the reality,
His glaring reality of a truth he knew so well, a love he depended on, a connection he had been building a future on; slowly slipping away..
As it crumbles in his face, bit-by-bit, the thought of it scares him, just the thought breaks him, he's patching up walls, sealing leaking roofs, like a deep and  open cut - it's excruciating as it bleeds.
He's running out of options, but yet hoping the bad weather'd go away..its too deep-seated for him to let go of, the void would be a cut too deep, not just cos he'd miss it, but nothing else would feel right there. This is the only square peg, so it fits perfect in the square hole.
Nothing else matters, not the cars, the money, the job...only this;
The truth he once new and felt comfortable with, the truth he would never give up on, a reality of true joy & perfection; who finds a good thing and lets it go? Who finds a utopia and abandons it? Or have polished diamonds handed to 'em and throws it all away? Its a no-brainer...
He's set his eyes on the forever cake, he's a few years ahead, but...the more he works it out, the more complicated it gets, feels one-sided but he's got enough heart for two. He's bent on giving it a chance to work, all things considered, its costing him physically, mentally & emotionally, but he's convinced the prize outweighs the price.

"We might be leagues or lightyears away, but you linger on like a dream unfulfilled, like a life unlived, a beauty unseen and a love unexpressed."

Her name overly excites him, seeing her thrills him as it did on the first day, loving her builds him; puts the chip on his shoulder. He's built a foundation deep to love on, its nothing shallow, its nothing fragile but one to bank on. He thinks to himself "Time may pass after this, one heartbeat after another, one new person or another, but I'll always have her her in mind", he sees no point thinking of or trying to move on, his heart is lost with this one, the one who'd always be his priority & the object of his affection.
He wakes up everyday with nothing but her on his mind, spends the first hour after that trying to shake off her thoughts and hoping its all a dream, but 'NO', its all real, its there; the hurt and the reality of her absence.
Thoughts shaken, he moves on...or he tries...one activity after another as he deals with memories and wishes as they flood in his thoughts. He just wants to be the reason behind her smile, the one she leans on when she's down and the one who finds her heart in love.

.......the hurt we carry

How much of our 'Past' have we gone past and moved on from. The hurt we feel from the last breakup; still hurts, the loss; we can't piece together, the love; still burning bright.

Through our travels and experiences, we gather and face emotions. The way we handle one, just as important as the next. We never learn enough to waltz through phases like soulless beings, instead we pick up baggage and are sometimes unable to get rid of 'em. I've often said; 'emotions never really die'. We pass them up until we are able to deal with them or until we can no longer restrain ourselves.
Our soft-spots are still our soft-spots....may take a bigger ball to push us over but they're often always the same.
What made you smile still makes you smile one way or another.

In our search for a means to 'deal-with' certain emotions, we bury them and build over them. Seems simple enough, but they often grow into Oak trees that crumble our foundations and all we've built over that experience.
Crushes never die. We may lose the many extra heartbeats that the person gave you but you still always pass their name slowly on your phone, slow down when they pass or unconsciously smile. We're lost in the wonder of 'what-ifs'. Thing about this is that while we wonder what it would be like, it awakens it all afresh....and the cycle of like, hurt and forget continues.
Hurts from relationships often linger on after we've gotten over the person, but we still feel the pain they caused long after; not in its severity but in our silent gasps. We don't take just the lessons but also the pain as a reminder why not to go down whatever road led us to that hurting point. Pains of loss, worst of the all....i sure can tell you. The cycle of grief never works out how they say it does.

One place we often miss it is when, in an attempt to get over the pains we've faced, we try to fill up that space with other things. We replace a heartbreak with a new partner, crush with new crush, pains with things that'll help you pass the time.... As time goes on, at a time you least expect it, it all comes back to you...the seed of the hurt we carry becomes another phase we have to dealt with...again.

We find a way to blame ourselves for being hurt or feeling the pain we are facing; you cannot be anymore wrong! When its hardest, its often the best idea to forge and face things head on. When we're in a position to pick up the pieces, it gives you an opportunity to make a smarter and stronger start. Deal with your issues before they deal with you.