.......the hurt we carry

How much of our 'Past' have we gone past and moved on from. The hurt we feel from the last breakup; still hurts, the loss; we can't piece together, the love; still burning bright.

Through our travels and experiences, we gather and face emotions. The way we handle one, just as important as the next. We never learn enough to waltz through phases like soulless beings, instead we pick up baggage and are sometimes unable to get rid of 'em. I've often said; 'emotions never really die'. We pass them up until we are able to deal with them or until we can no longer restrain ourselves.
Our soft-spots are still our soft-spots....may take a bigger ball to push us over but they're often always the same.
What made you smile still makes you smile one way or another.

In our search for a means to 'deal-with' certain emotions, we bury them and build over them. Seems simple enough, but they often grow into Oak trees that crumble our foundations and all we've built over that experience.
Crushes never die. We may lose the many extra heartbeats that the person gave you but you still always pass their name slowly on your phone, slow down when they pass or unconsciously smile. We're lost in the wonder of 'what-ifs'. Thing about this is that while we wonder what it would be like, it awakens it all afresh....and the cycle of like, hurt and forget continues.
Hurts from relationships often linger on after we've gotten over the person, but we still feel the pain they caused long after; not in its severity but in our silent gasps. We don't take just the lessons but also the pain as a reminder why not to go down whatever road led us to that hurting point. Pains of loss, worst of the all....i sure can tell you. The cycle of grief never works out how they say it does.

One place we often miss it is when, in an attempt to get over the pains we've faced, we try to fill up that space with other things. We replace a heartbreak with a new partner, crush with new crush, pains with things that'll help you pass the time.... As time goes on, at a time you least expect it, it all comes back to you...the seed of the hurt we carry becomes another phase we have to dealt with...again.

We find a way to blame ourselves for being hurt or feeling the pain we are facing; you cannot be anymore wrong! When its hardest, its often the best idea to forge and face things head on. When we're in a position to pick up the pieces, it gives you an opportunity to make a smarter and stronger start. Deal with your issues before they deal with you.

the rush....

Meeting someone new does something to you, there’s some kind of in dwelling smile that you can’t really express. You stay jolly for at least a day. Especially when you think she blows your mind. One of those things that make us trip. When you make first contact and talking is fun, then comes the glow. We ooze of that childish guilt, when someone notices we try to deny to ourselves so we can try to manage our expectations. We want it so bad we don’t even want to consider the possibility that it doesn’t always play out how we plan, hope or expect and we get heartbroken.

Then comes the first date, you’re clouded in smiles you probably don’t even hear her speak. Then we start telling ourselves “I like this one” “that’s nice, we agree” or “i can make do with that”. We feel a rush each moment you’re with her. She’s constantly making u smile. Then you want to text, IM, call or tweet them, you want to share every moment that you experience with her. You unconsciously draft something sweet to say each time. You’d give anything to see her smile.

I start to wonder when she became an issue, **remember when you said you won’t let yourself fall like that, you said “I’ll calm down play my position” but now you’re in over your head without control.**
what do I do? where do I go from here? it gets worse because you start to be at a loss for words each time you see her...its absolutely breathtaking...

from the first date, you want to skip all the boring process involved....we want to bring the 'happy ever after' from the future to the now....we get all excited and loose our minds in our emotions...

Somehow the cycle of the heart is rather irregular, in that we don’t know when it’d see something it wants to connect to and hold on to. The pain of disconnection is there when we can’t make such connections and we end up disappointed. We feel everything that this heart throws itself to, whether it’s into the pain of a heartbreak or disappointment or into the comfort and joy found in love, friendships and sense of connection.


I'm #justthinking out loud

The Art Connection

The art of music, the network of strings of sounds being played, in uniformity and perfect harmony. Every cymbal, every beat, a mere expression of the one who compiled it. If we listen close enough, we can often feel the rhythm of our hearts being played with every note you hear...we can feel the love, hate, pain, joy or rave of the composer. It feels like a preaching so captivating, a thought so provoking and a journey worth taking; especially when it expresses a direct reflection of our heart’s feelings at that time. We almost know the next note that would be played; we modulate in our minds over and over while the songs play out our hearts. It's almost like pottery; the potter moulds with a deep sense of connection to the clay and its end product is an expression of how joyous, abstract, loving, random or angry he was at that time.

Art expresses our lives in ways we can relate to. Our need for connection as people makes us search in every area to fill our yearning hearts. Whether its food (Fregz73 forgive me...lol) we turn into art, or sounds made out into music, words of poetry carefully grafted together, articulate words, voices singing out hearts feelings or anything [even being stuck on facebook reading out people's lives].. We make this connection our safe house and first love. We enjoy other things on the side but the end of the day when we retire back to ourselves and connect to our love so that we're never left alone. The need to connect is not for other people to benefit but for ourselves to graft onto and fill our hearts and minds. While thinking about this all, I stumbled on a quote with an Unknown author that says “Dating someone of artistic nature can be hard. We are a selfish breed. It’s always about the art. We sometimes forget about WHO inspired it” – Unknown. We have a need to connect to someone or something all the time, we don’t disconnect until we lose our minds or stop living.

For every soft-eve there's a Marvin Gaye, for some there's the peacefulness and grace of India Arie that appeals to their minds, Or the crazy in Blink 182, punk in Avril or the Ultimate Connection with Worship of our Creator. It’s no wonder why they say God inhabits our worship. The art gives pours our true inner feelings on Him, thus being in Truth and in Spirit. We connect with our God, we, connect with people and we connect with our Feelings all expressed through art. What sorts of Art comes from you?

Our Mind's Endless Cycle...

When we're left alone, we think, assess and come to certain conclusions. Our mind makes us worry; the worry makes our minds wonder, guess, and ponder on things; not in a good manner but somewhat negative. We are naturally inquisitive beings and we cannot stand being left in the grey or half light...we want to see it all, feel it all, hear, taste and understand things. We want to know the score before the match, we want to hear the news before it happens; we want to grasp an understanding of everything that happens whether or not it concerns us. We ask so many questions at times that we even start to question the things we understand most and have found to be true; our life - is this life a dream? What if I woke up and realised that the life I’m living is nothing but an overstretched imagination? Our religion - am I sure I’m on the right track? What if I’m not?

These questions we ask often confuse us more than they enlighten us. We ponder on these things hoping that they'd shed some more light on what we think we don't understand well enough. The problem with this though is that it often misleads us into believing the absurd and questioning all the correct things.
Our inquisition cures our curiosity, our curiosity (most of the time) enlightens us and thus, satisfies the craving to understand and learn about everything we find around us. In the same vein, our inquisition could further confuse us and put us in a worse of position than we were in at the beginning.

Have you ever imagined if the man who first committed adultery never inquired into the thought of being with another woman, or the woman another man...what would the world be like today? What if man had never imagined having sex with another man and plainly been content with the God-ordained union with women? What if we never explored some of the heathen ways of our fore-fathers; would we have tried out those things now? What if man never questioned God's authority and sovereignty? So many what ifs......

Our inquisitive nature hasn't only brought on misconceptions and poor beliefs, but has also brought us good...the question we should seek to understand now is “How deep is too deep?” “How much information is too much?” “When do we need to pull the plug on our constant inquisition into life?”

Our inquisition brought us to where we are today, our history is written by our inquisitive nature. It is what sets the base of learning for the younger generation and is the pedestal on which our seeds will start to inquire.
It is often said that there is no end to learning, but don't you think there should? Imagine that the explorers that found the spell books and heathen items of people that have been banished or even killed for witchcraft and wizardry didn't study them and wonder how it all worked? All of that would be lost as it should be!
The Mysteries of this Life and the inquisition into it enlightens as it does confuse....the endless sphere of learning is fuelled by this all and as such, we would never be able to get to a point where all has been discovered and understood; because our discovery and understanding is just a mere start to the endless cycle of learning that we call life.

The Mind's Pain Bottled in...

Our hearts harbour our tears, our fears, our deepest thoughts and desires;
It speaks of its own accord....because when we least expect it, it shows our true self; a reflection of a sort...
Our tears reflect the pain we face, our smiles spring up from beauty that we see within, our laughs express our inward state of happiness.

Sometimes we feel so blank and few understand the feeling in the exact way we feel it. It’s hard for anyone to understand, not because they haven’t been in the same situation, but it’s different in everyone's case. Pain and frustration, within an environment that prevents you from venting it all out. How do you deal with things without letting them out; at least enough for you to get over it...

In football, we often see players play through the pain barrier, and a performance is expected from them...they suffer through it all just get the job done. We put smiles on people's faces, hang out, and create a range of impressions...some happy, loving, dependent and rather friendly but after it all, we tend to find that with all the charade of the amount of friendships and people we might have around, we still feel alone. Then again, we start to ask ourselves those annoying questions that further confuse us... where is everyone now that I need them? how come I'm always there for everyone and don't have nobody to keep my mind at ease and be that shoulder to lean on? what exactly is bothering me? What is this void and emptiness that my heart feels? What is all of this about? Where is this painful emptiness from? How can I get over it?
Bundled with all of this, we're further bothered by personal goals and other time-constrained pressures like School-work, deadlines or even our jobs. All of which take up the much needed time for a personal healing process.
Through all this, we fare relatively well, however, there is always the fear that we could break at a time when it matters most. At a time when all our senses need to be at their sharpest. That's the major fear of being bottled up.

Until we reach our breaking point we are fine but after that comes a breakdown ...a point of realisation... a point where everything that seemed to matter no longer matters; things we used to overlook start to take the lime-light. We experience a new kind of emotion, similar to those we are accustomed to; but in a new dimension and with more depth

We'll hurt a lil' more, we cry a lil' more, we sob a lil' more...somehow; old feelings that we once forgot about come to us more vivid than we imagine. We start to face a new reality; determined by an event, a presence or a reanimation. While this wakes us up sometimes with happy cheer, other times with painful tears, it teaches us lessons on stagnation, on moving ahead, facing new challenges, working out sad events into a joyous new beginning.
We determine how further ahead we move with our own hands, our own minds, and our own actions. We literarily have the world at our finger-tips; when we are smart we grab it and mould it into our world, other times we miss opportunities for a new start and have to face a double consequence of the experience.
When experiences are good, they could make us laugh, give us some sort of satisfaction and pleasure. But it is often easy to get carried away by such episodes of happiness/joy, when in the real sense, we are meant to find lessons from experiences to find ways to keep ourselves happy, avoid pitfalls, and share our happiness with those desperately seeking it.

My reality scares me...
Its hard waking up in the same nightmare. I feel awake when I sleep, no dreams or wild imaginations, no pain, no sorrow; Sadly, I wake up into a reality that I wish was just a nightmare.
It hurts more than words describe. More painful than walking on hot coal; a pain so deep that it breaks me with each thought.
How do I get out of this nightmare? The pain still lingers, tear drop after tear-drop, sometimes it seems like it'd never end.
Can't help but wish it wasn't so. Can't ask why because in His sovereignty He plans for us to get us a life and works everything out for our good. So now, I just have to wait in submission to His will.

I hurt, I cry, tear drops in my eyes keep streaming down. Everyday the pain feels new.
If I had just one extra hug, one extra second, one extra word, I wouldn't let it end. Where do I start from, if everything that surrounds me brings memories alive and births a fresh kind of pain.
There's a need for me to be strong, to stand by the others who face the same pain that I do, the others that wake up into the same nightmare that has become our reality, our Painful Reality.
If wishes were horses, if all wishes came through, I would wish it all away.
Wish all my pain away,
Wish I would sleep and find it was all a dream,
I saw the pain,
I saw steadfastness,
I saw the struggle,
I saw a submission to faith,
and I saw that the Will of our Maker came to pass.
As I pace through the stages of Grief,
From Denial to Anger to Depression and final part of Acceptance, I find that the most hurtful and yet the longest stage is Depression.
The pain seems unending as time passes, it lingers on and on.
My Dear Father, My loving Dad.....
We can't help how much we all miss you.
Wishing it was all a dream that'd never be.
It's hard to piece together, its hard to think about and painful to accept.
We Love You beyond what words could ever explain.
Since it was in God's perfect will for you to leave us, we submit & hold fast to Him to give us the Peace, Comfort, Strength and Love that we all need to move ahead and continue in the legacies that you started.

Adieu Daddy! You mean more than the world to me.