Leagues away...#2

.....what really scares him is that as distant as she's made herself, he still can't control how he feels about her, he's almost certain, she's found another and is not letting this work, but even if she's with another, she's still what he wants.

He still writes mental letters to her, remembers songs he sang to her, words and moments shared, but now....it doesnt matter much. She's loving another each sleepless night he has, he feels it deep because he's had himself deeply connected to her.

Yet she's silent about it all, he's not stupid but he forces himself to be naive and gullible, because he wants to believe. He still wishes to hold her again even if it's just once more, he wants to feel her close to him once again, he needs to smell her skin and her aura around him, to look her in the face and say his goodbyes to lose a love that he's sure is his and will always have his heart, while silently hoping it's still a nightmare he'll wake up from.

Fin!

Leagues away....

With a connection deep seated in the heart, with a love so real, with a heart true and open, he hopes against the reality,
His glaring reality of a truth he knew so well, a love he depended on, a connection he had been building a future on; slowly slipping away..
As it crumbles in his face, bit-by-bit, the thought of it scares him, just the thought breaks him, he's patching up walls, sealing leaking roofs, like a deep and  open cut - it's excruciating as it bleeds.
He's running out of options, but yet hoping the bad weather'd go away..its too deep-seated for him to let go of, the void would be a cut too deep, not just cos he'd miss it, but nothing else would feel right there. This is the only square peg, so it fits perfect in the square hole.
Nothing else matters, not the cars, the money, the job...only this;
The truth he once new and felt comfortable with, the truth he would never give up on, a reality of true joy & perfection; who finds a good thing and lets it go? Who finds a utopia and abandons it? Or have polished diamonds handed to 'em and throws it all away? Its a no-brainer...
He's set his eyes on the forever cake, he's a few years ahead, but...the more he works it out, the more complicated it gets, feels one-sided but he's got enough heart for two. He's bent on giving it a chance to work, all things considered, its costing him physically, mentally & emotionally, but he's convinced the prize outweighs the price.

"We might be leagues or lightyears away, but you linger on like a dream unfulfilled, like a life unlived, a beauty unseen and a love unexpressed."

Her name overly excites him, seeing her thrills him as it did on the first day, loving her builds him; puts the chip on his shoulder. He's built a foundation deep to love on, its nothing shallow, its nothing fragile but one to bank on. He thinks to himself "Time may pass after this, one heartbeat after another, one new person or another, but I'll always have her her in mind", he sees no point thinking of or trying to move on, his heart is lost with this one, the one who'd always be his priority & the object of his affection.
He wakes up everyday with nothing but her on his mind, spends the first hour after that trying to shake off her thoughts and hoping its all a dream, but 'NO', its all real, its there; the hurt and the reality of her absence.
Thoughts shaken, he moves on...or he tries...one activity after another as he deals with memories and wishes as they flood in his thoughts. He just wants to be the reason behind her smile, the one she leans on when she's down and the one who finds her heart in love.

Borrowed

Its stolen, its borrowed,
But it fits so perfectly, the smile, her eyes...
For every second spent, feels borrowed, but is priceless nonetheless...
Her touch, the way she gets to me,the way she makes me happy...yea, I've been happy,but this isn't like the normal, she has her own way to it...
Maybe its the weird situation we're in, I won't normally place myself like this, but this is different, I've tasted of something sweet, my mind and body feel lost in it, I try to pace myself so my heart doesn't get sucked in.
The closer you get, the sweeter it feels...I let go a lil' more each day. See what I want this much should not be this hard, faced with an almost impossible situation. My mind, my body yearns for you with everyday that passes; yes I crave each kiss, the hugs, semi-cuddles, petting, necking, how heated we get as we touch...feels borrowed but feels great. Wouldn't trade these moments.
Its an expression of wild romance, pure passion, desire, mental connection, physical attraction. This is 'clicking' with someone almost to a perfect level. Too good to be true at some point, then the 'but' is remembered.
It is soon forgotten though, she's just pinged, she called, she's texting :D, wow! does she feel what I feel? Is she also wrapped in this true lie. Its real so much so it can't be ignored, I'm sure (more like I hope) she sees it too. Its a borrowed feeling, but fits so well. Letting my heart race as she pings, allowing myself to get lost hearing her voice....*sigh*
No way I can be just friends, she's starting to sip into my heart, I still think about her kisses, her smile, her words, the way she gets me, she's letting my fingers move up and down her skin, they give me a rush I can't help but want. The appeal somedays is just more than I can handle, yet its still borrowed time I'm spending. I'm slowly crossing the line, everytime we touch, I want more, I want to kiss her all over, caress  slowly & awaken her, giving in to our desires. She feels this, or again I hope.
I'm giving myself into a loan I cannot pay, borrowed happiness, that's expensive but more than worth it.
Our hearts and mind connect, her smile excites me, I long to see her, hold her and get lost in the few moments we get to have, she's not some rebound, she's her own version of awesome, more than just the physical attraction, she's a friend, a sweetheart, a darling, wish she were here to stay, its not just a feeling sex would cure, its past that now. She's rocking my world, she's blowing my mind. I want time alone with her all the time, just us, lock ourselves up, give in to the emotions, give in to the passion, few words, just her looking into my eyes, forgetting the things on our minds outside, 'guiltlessly' we proceed, let go and enjoy whatever small moments we have. I've given in to the part that's unspoken and unexpressed, a part that's been kept quiet, a part I've refused to let take control of my head, now I wish I had you here, close to me...yet this is just morning, on a day I'm not sure I'd get to see her, but the butterflies that come with her thoughts are as soothing & sweet even with the uncertainty....all these thoughts, can't hold myself back,  I grab hold of my phone & text  "Bonjour Chérie, tu me manque "...

...I silently think of you

you're a part of me I cannot deny; always on my mind... I might not admit it but I know its there and its real. I play it down because I don't want to get sucked into it.

Yet.....In my quiet moments, I wish you were here, my happy times I want to share with you, when I'm bored you're on my mind non-stop....
When I'm sad, the word you say comfort better even when everyone else says the same. Thinking of you makes my day, talking is the cherry on the icing. You've made your mark on my heart, as far away as you are..
I enjoy the connection we share, the thrill and butterflies...I'm happy writing this down, because its about you.
And now,I miss you...when I want your voice, your embrace, to see your smile and share moments.
Maybe your absence makes me insecure;
Afraid that what I feel will be met with a broken heart and left to make do with a few fleeting memories;
Ones I cherish but wish I could have maximized a little more.
Sometimes I find it hard to fathom how the heart works...it catches unto one thing and clings on like its every beat depended on it. Its always hard to stay away and even when you do you still don't move on from it.
It cannot be helped.....I'll still flutter with joy and find myself breathless, you are on my mind ceaselessly;
It's just a silent thought, carrying a rush of emotions....and it's because of you.

.....letting go

When we try to fix things and they keep getting broken, we tend not to bother and just leave them as they are or leave them abandoned.
We can only try so hard. Its like having that car you love sooooo much and made so many memories with. Its hard to throw away even when all it does is cause trouble. You get it fixed for so much and drive just a little. One minute you're enjoying your evening drive and the next, you're pulled over on the side,hood open, diagnosing and trying to get it back on the road.
Our attachment to it coupled with the uncertainty& emptiness that comes with letting go holds us back. I often find it rather confusing how the heart works. It holds on to any and everything that comes its way; it just clings on. Most often we are unable to let go until we replace the objects that it holds on to. A new car perhaps...new shoes.....new phone....new friends...new foes....its endless. There's secretly a place for everything in our heart; and when its not there, we feel the pain of its emptiness.
But this makes it hard for us to let go of even the things that are starting to wither and die,because there's a unique void that things and people create.
In our bid not to let go, we fix and fix and fix some more; so much so that we become experts at fixing it. Then we develop a system that works, but for a while, and then we're back into the problem. Sometimes when its working out all fine for long,we might even start to expect it to go wrong. We wonder "how much longer will this good time last?"
Eventually we'll have to brave out our hurt and let go. We'll miss the object of our affection but in the end it'll all feel better when driving that new car.